21 Months of Motherhood - Thoughts and Reflections on my 2nd Mother's Day

21 Months.  Almost two years.  There are times it seems like only two months have gone by and other times it seems like two decades.  Motherhood is still so very new to me.  I'm still trying to find my niche, my confidence, my comfort zone. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the responsibility it takes to be a mother.  Wait, you mean the world is trusting me to keep this sweet little human healthy, safe, and happy and also raise her to become a strong confident woman and a functioning member of society?  It's intense being a parent.  When you're tired, there's no such thing as a recovery period.  You need to be on, to be there, to be present. You must have infinite amounts of patience.  No excuses.  This little person is depending on YOU. The stress of wondering whether I'm doing the right things, making the best choices, and teaching the most important lessons can be draining.  There's no manual, no user guide, no instructions.  Just when I think I've gotten things figured out, she's on to the next development phase and it's back to the drawing board again.

At the same time, I'm overwhelmed by how incredibly fortunate I am. Everyday, my heart swells to at least five times its size in love, pride, or joy from something Lainey does or says.  I can't really describe what it feels like, but I'm sure any mother reading this knows what I'm talking about.  Sometimes I look at Lainey and I can't believe I get to be her mother.  Does she know how much I love her? Do I make her happy?

In the nearly two years of being a mom, I've come to three realizations about motherhood:

First, when things seem tough, stressful, or overwhelming I must remember this: everything is temporary.  The nursing, the teething, the crying spells, the sickness, the tantrums, the sleep disruptions, the eating habits, the rashes, the seemingly endless bottle and pump parts washing, and the strict schedules. It's ALL temporary.  The challenges ebb and flow and you just have to roll with them and adapt - not exactly something in my type A personality skill set. It's cliche, but sometimes you really do have to chalk it up to "babies being babies" and "this too shall pass."  It's not easy to remember these things, believe me.  Just ask John how well I took the transition of Lainey to a new daycare when we moved.  I was a basketcase.  But all of a sudden, the issue I'm dealing with passes almost as quickly as it began and I wonder why I made such a big deal about it.  Wait, I know why: because that's what moms do, right? But this means the good stuff is temporary too. The cooing, the crawling, the first steps, and first words.  I just try to sit back and take it in.  Lainey is SO much fun right now!  She's a little sponge and talking like crazy and making all sorts of connections and discoveries.  She fascinates me!  How does she learn so much so fast?  She is full of so much joy and wonder.  Where's Zach Morris to freeze time when you need him?!!?

And that brings me to the second thing I've learned. At every stage, (well, aside from the newborn stage), I've caught myself saying, "She's at such a fun age right now." And then I realized, hey, it turns out that parenting can be fun. Sure, it's not 'zip lining through the treetops of St. Lucia' fun.  It's a different kind of fun.  Again, something I struggle to describe.  I guess it's the kind of fun where you can't wait to see what she's going to say or do next.  Or what her reaction will be when I walk in the door.  Or how I feel when she grins and doesn't miss an action when I sing The Wheels on the Bus to her.  Little everyday things: running around in the driveway, playing at the park, coloring at the kitchen table, just watching her discover her world - fun.  It's addicting.

My third realization, and probably the one I struggle with most: I can't do it all awesomely all the time. How do I be a great wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, and paralegal while still fulfilling my own wants and needs? It's so hard to juggle it all and find the right balance. Something's gotta give. The overachiever in me doesn't want to accept that, but I learned early on that with a little one, you have to let some things take a back seat for a while. However, I found the one thing that shouldn't take as much of a back seat is time for me. Despite those pesky "mother's guilt" feelings, I've realized that "me time" is okay, healthy, and necessary for me to be the best mom I can be. This means I've chosen sleep over regularly touching base with my friends (thankfully they understand), running over filling in Alaina's baby book, and catching up on "our tv shows" with my husband over Pinterest worthy home projects and elaborate recipes. There will be time for those things, but in order to take good care of my family, I also must take good care of my emotional and physical health.

So, that's what's been running through my head as I reflect on the last 21 months. By no means do I have it figured out. In fact, even though I have come to the above realizations, I still struggle with putting them into practice every single day. Motherhood is still new and raw and taking shape for me. There's so much more to learn, so much more to wrap my head around. But best of all, there's more joy and love to be had. More heart swelling type feelings. I could not be more grateful for that.