As a kid, I remember playing "school" and "office" (sidenote: my grandma was a tax accountant and we frequently played with her old typewriters, tax code books, calculators, pens, pencils, and tax forms) more than "house." Growing up I daydreamed more about a future husband, career, and travels more than babies and kids. Sure, I'd probably have kids someday, I'd think to myself, but the thoughts were very abstract. I wasn't around small children very much and didn't do much babysitting as a teenager. Kids and babies were not familiar or comfortable territory.
Fast forward to 3 years ago: While John and I were thoroughly enjoying our DINK lives, we knew eventually we'd want to start a family. John graciously left the timing up to me (after all, it was my body being invested to the cause). I had to spend a year thinking about whether I was ready to move forward to a new phase in my life. I knew it was going to be a huge lifestyle change. Given my lack of experience with kids and my 28+ years of living my life with little responsibility, I had to be sure I really wanted a baby. I figured there was no way I was going to be a natural at being a mother. Once I decided I was ready for the lifestyle change and responsibility, I still wanted to wait another year. I spent that next year getting in shape and whooping it up and staying out late with friends. As a last hurrah, toward the end of that "year" John and I took a week-long trip to London. Three months later, we found out Lainey was on the way.
Although I expected motherhood to be hard, it is a lot harder than I could even imagine. Those first weeks (okay, months) were really tough for me. I do not deal with change, the unknown, and medical issues well. Which is basically the entire postpartum period. So much to deal with at once: soreness from labor and delivery, bleeding, learning to nurse, and sleep deprivation all while trying to take care of this sweet, helpless yet demanding little human. Who did not come with a manual, I might add. And let's not forget the hormonal changes that make your emotions OUT OF CONTROL. The baby blues are REAL and did I ever have them. Thanks to the hormones I was an anxious emotional wreck for weeks. I could write a blog post pages long describing what I cried about or freaked out about (from silly to serious) but I'll spare you that.
"Aren't you just having a blast?" people would say to me. "Aren't you just over-the-moon happy?"
Uhhh, no. Was I excited and thankful and blessed and amazed and in love with my beautiful baby? Absolutely. But the newborn period was so new and challenging and intense that I was only "enjoying" it in little snippets here and there. I had no idea what I was doing. Caring for a newborn was scary to me. Not being able to shower, eat, and sleep when I wanted and needed threw me for a loop. I was asked whether I was having the time of my life so often that I was beginning to think something was wrong with me. Why wasn't I having fun? What am I doing wrong? How come that mom is out of the house with her 4 week old and looks calm, cool, and collected? And then one day around the two month mark after the third time Lainey had a meltdown over a seemingly simple diaper change (or a fleck of dust on her nose for all I knew) which subsequently put me into a meltdown I had these thoughts: Why is this so hard for me? How come other mothers have it together and I don't? I knew motherhood wasn't going to come naturally for me, maybe I'm just not cut out for this...
And then later that day, Lainey smiled at me. One of those first real responsive toothless baby smiles. I never thought I wasn't "cut out" for motherhood ever again. And little by little, day by day, things got better. Yeah, it got a little hard again when I had a difficult and shocking medical issue to deal with right before returning to work (that's a post for another day once I'm ready). Returning to work and having Lainey in daycare was also an adjustment with difficulties to work through. But again, over time, here and there, things got better. I was smitten. Addicted. Over-the-moon in love with this little person.
Fast forward to nine months later and by golly, I am "enjoying" myself. Are there difficult and frustrating moments/days/weeks? Absolutely. Do I know what I'm doing? Heck no. Am I calm cool and collected in my mothering skills? Not usually. But life is good. In a way I never expected or could have imagined. The lows and monotony can be tough, but the highs are incredible. That's the most significant thing I've learned in 9+ months of motherhood.
"Aren't you just having a blast?" people would say to me. "Aren't you just over-the-moon happy?"
Uhhh, no. Was I excited and thankful and blessed and amazed and in love with my beautiful baby? Absolutely. But the newborn period was so new and challenging and intense that I was only "enjoying" it in little snippets here and there. I had no idea what I was doing. Caring for a newborn was scary to me. Not being able to shower, eat, and sleep when I wanted and needed threw me for a loop. I was asked whether I was having the time of my life so often that I was beginning to think something was wrong with me. Why wasn't I having fun? What am I doing wrong? How come that mom is out of the house with her 4 week old and looks calm, cool, and collected? And then one day around the two month mark after the third time Lainey had a meltdown over a seemingly simple diaper change (or a fleck of dust on her nose for all I knew) which subsequently put me into a meltdown I had these thoughts: Why is this so hard for me? How come other mothers have it together and I don't? I knew motherhood wasn't going to come naturally for me, maybe I'm just not cut out for this...
And then later that day, Lainey smiled at me. One of those first real responsive toothless baby smiles. I never thought I wasn't "cut out" for motherhood ever again. And little by little, day by day, things got better. Yeah, it got a little hard again when I had a difficult and shocking medical issue to deal with right before returning to work (that's a post for another day once I'm ready). Returning to work and having Lainey in daycare was also an adjustment with difficulties to work through. But again, over time, here and there, things got better. I was smitten. Addicted. Over-the-moon in love with this little person.
Fast forward to nine months later and by golly, I am "enjoying" myself. Are there difficult and frustrating moments/days/weeks? Absolutely. Do I know what I'm doing? Heck no. Am I calm cool and collected in my mothering skills? Not usually. But life is good. In a way I never expected or could have imagined. The lows and monotony can be tough, but the highs are incredible. That's the most significant thing I've learned in 9+ months of motherhood.
No comments:
Post a Comment